Today I think it has to happen. I’ve been wanting so desperately to reconnect with my blog. I find that when I sit down to actually start, my mind goes… blank. Like when you get off the couch to do/get something and just that quick your mind goes blank, I think to myself, “what was I just going to do?” I retrace my footsteps and there it is, my thought, is right where I left it.
I’m feeling pulled to go deeper with the blog content; raw, honest and gritty. We can’t forget humor, I do have a fun sense of humor. Faith has become such a big part of who I am today and if I’m not expressing that in my daily walk then I’m no better than before this awakening. It’s my daily backbone, the foundation of which I build my day. I don’t want to hold anything back anymore, doing so is shielding myself and others from who I really am. Don’t get me wrong, I still love all of the things that I wrote about before. I love reading about new trends for fall/winter fashion. I never get tired of seeing what’s “hot” in the world of interior design. Or wanting to surprise my family with new recipe night. This is just where I’m at.
You know the feeling, a desire to swim in the deep end. To turn on your back, look up at the sky, and drift out. I’ve always been cautious when entering a new territory that is unforeseen to me. Or maybe my cautiousness was God protecting me all along. I would try to stay within the boundaries of the shallow end where it was safe and I wouldn’t get myself into trouble. But when I look back through my life, especially before I met my husband, I did swim very close to the rope, the one that divides the shallow end from the deep end. I now thank God for keeping me safe during that time even though we hadn’t met yet. Not my husband but God. More on that later.
I’m not nor will I ever be the person to stir the pot. That’s not to say I haven’t ever found myself getting into trouble. I am human, I make mistakes. I’m broken and was born broken. Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me –Psalm 51:5 . But today I’m ready to walk a more conscious living. To put on my big girl pants and follow Gods’ footsteps. I want to look back on my life and my children’s lives and see that choosing honesty and integrity made a difference.
So today is the day that I made the conscious effort to just start writing. No plan. No notes. Just my head and heart to lead the way. In many ways, I feel I have so much to say that I honestly don’t even know where to begin. All I do know at this very moment, the silence has been broken. It’s no longer the voice inside my head looking for the exit to get out. I’m putting letters together to form words that are going on inside my brain.
I just had a birthday and thought it a perfect day to start a new beginning. Why not, I have nothing to loose. At this point in my life, I have an amazing husband and father to our two kids. We are going on 19 years of being each others’ best friend and 17 years as husband and wife. Our kids are learning about themselves, life and God every day. My parents are both still married, going on 60 years of sleeping in the same bed, God Bless them. They are both healthy and living a happy life together.
I’ve had friends come and go. The friends I’m closest to will be with me for years to come. Like the ten pounds I’ll never loose that will be with me forever. I’m secure with myself and who I’ve become. Still, I have days when I find myself asking, “what is my purpose and what should I be doing with this gift?” This gift of my life and how I choose to live it is still a daily question, “what am I going to do today?”
I am grateful and thankful for my life. It hasn’t always been a walk in the park. Lord knows I’ve had my share of trials and tribulations, nobody said life was going to be easy?